Jackson Tarlin 2020

Earth Toned Prezidante for a Toned Earth

I’m the environmental one

Brief Introduction

Salutations,

Here at McMaster, we do a lot of things right. Of course, that’s not to say there isn’t room for improvement. Isn’t there always? If there weren’t any room for improvement than we would be perfect. And nobody’s perfect – nor are institutions.

The ideas contained in this platform range from small and sensible improvements to drastic and terrifying overhauls, but we promise they’ve all been thought about. Our goal is to take every annoyance you’ve grumbled about during your time at McMaster and throw them in the trash. Then set the trash on fire. If we have time left over once we’re done, we’ll use the trash fire to light our pipe and then sit in a muskoka chair and watch the sunset. 

Please feel free to peruse the platform, feasting your eyes upon the points contained herein. There should be something for everyone. If there isn’t something for you, then feel free to contact us. We need your votes, and will pander as pathetically as necessary to get them.

McMaster’s future is your hands,

Jackson Tarlin & Team

Highlights

Below are some highlights from the platform to give you, the busy student, a quick overview of why I’m clearly the best choice. The four pillars of the platform are Student Life, Clubs and Services, Environment, and Campus. You can remember them with the handy acronym SLCSEC.

1 – Student Life

Protect students from troublesome speech – Rank expression zones from 1-5

MSAF extension – Cover two months of missed work (up to 50%) per semester no questions asked

Hydration – Publicly shame the worst water fountains on campus

Affordability – Snidely encourage students to get jobs

Accessibility – Replace stairs with ramps

Bike Lanes – All campus hallways

2 – Clubs and Services

The Silhouette – Hire team of full time journalists to make a daily publication and bring back puzzles

Spotted @ Mac – Give this facebook page the club status it so clearly wants

ClubsFest – Make it last longer

3 – Environment

Protect threatened species on campus – Centro cockroaches, geese

Solar Panels – on trees

Global warming – Solve

Lake McMaster – Restore

4 – Campus

Better library accessibility – Move ABB out of the way

That one tree nobody likes (you know the one) – Cut down and replace

Monorail – Connect Mills library with MUSC

Arts Quad – Raise funding for an expedition to finish charting its depths

Cootes Paradise renaming – Gangsta’s Paradise (all royalties to Coolio)

The Platform

Wow, look at this keener who actually wants the whole platform! Fine, fine. Here you go:

1  – Student Life

1.1 Personal expression

Sometimes, personal expression comes into conflict with maintaining the delicate illusion that nobody disagrees with you on important issues. To combat this, we propose ranking the expression freedom from zone 1 (no troublesome speech, no foul words, no politics, conversational tone of voice) all the way to zone 5 (swearing only, no compassion allowed, must scream). In order to ensure that students are aware of which zone they are in and can adapt their speech accordingly, we’ve made a simple system based on room numbers across campus. 

Zone 1 – All even room numbers (some exceptions, see below)

Zone 2 – All open areas, courtyards, corridors, and public spaces on campus

Zone 3 – All odd room numbers (some exceptions, see below)

Zone 4 – All prime-numbered rooms on campus

Zone 5 – All room numbers that are multiples of 9

Exception A: Rooms with letters in their name are shifted down one zone (zone 5 shift back around to zone 1)

Exception B: During club meeting hours the expression zone can be reset according to club policy with special consultation from the MSU

1.2 MSAF Extension

The current MSAF policy only covers three consecutive days, representing less than 10% of the total days in a semester.  We propose extending the MSAF duration to two months, allowing it to cover up to 50% of the semester. This change is expected to reduce student retention of knowledge and increase stress during exam time when they realize their exams are now worth 90%.

1.3 Hydration

Some water fountains just don’t cut it. Bad water pressure, weird taste, or, worst of all – warm. These miscreants need to be taught a lesson. We propose putting up a bulletin board shaming the worst offenders so that other water fountains learn to toe the line – or else. Student water fountain satisfaction is expected to increase slightly before they get used to it and then level out.

1.4 Affordability

We’ve all heard it before: if you don’t like not being able to afford the newest and shiniest supermarket rice, get a job! Well, turns out it’s decent advice. Problem is, this advice isn’t being delivered in a way that gets through to students. We propose being total jerks about it, and really condescending too. That should help.

1.5 Accessibility

Stairs are great when you need to climb a slanted surface, but they don’t work for everyone. We propose replacing all stairs on campus with ramps. An added bonus is that this will cause construction everyone on campus at once. If you’ve been here long enough, you’ve learned to love the noise and inconvenience that construction causes. It just wouldn’t be McMaster without it.

1.6 Bike Lanes

Are you tired of near collisions? We propose new regulations that will allow you to feel much safer while riding on campus: bike lanes in all building hallways. Those pesky pedestrians will bother you no longer!

2 – Clubs and Services

2.1 The Silhouette

Whatever happened to the puzzle pages? Why doesn’t the Sil come out every day? We need a full time team of journalists to help get this publication back on track. This is estimated to cost the MSU a total of $300 000 per year, but this means we only have to increase the tuition of twenty students by $15 000 each. If we choose engineering students they might not even notice.

2.2 Spotted @ Mac

We are also including McMaster Confessions in this one. These facebook pages are great, but as younger generations of students migrate away from the platform we need a way to keep getting them that juicy info on the guy wearing a weird scarf in economics class or how your roommate sucks and remembering to lock the door. We propose giving these groups full club status to allow them to better reach their target audiences for years to come.

2.3 ClubsFest

The only problem with ClubsFest is that it comes to an end far too soon. We propose extending this hallowed affair to last all year round. Umbrellas, space heaters, and pontoons will be provided by the MSU to assist club representatives in their survival of the harsh outdoor conditions (see point 3.4). We don’t want even a moment without hundreds of club members behind tables on JHE/BSB field, even at night. We expect that club participation will increase enough to be worth a few exposure hospitalizations.

3 – Environment

3.1 Protected Species

How can we claim to love the environment when we treat native animals like unwanted pests? This platform point advocates for comprehensive actions to stop students from eating the Centro cockroaches. Whether accidental or not, we have no idea how many there are, and could be dealing with an endangered breed. Awareness needs to increase for this problem to end. Campus geese are also an issue: McMaster’s geese are nowhere nearly violent enough when compared with the geese from neighbouring university campuses (Waterloo, UofT). We propose training our geese in several methods of lethal attack to help them in their efforts to fend off poachers and other trespassers.

3.2 Solar Panels

Solar energy is great, and we already use it on several of our buildings on campus. We propose taking this idea further and combining the efficiency of human-made solar panels with the height of trees. That’s right: we’re going to put the panels on top of trees. This will result in a marked increase in solar efficiency compared with putting them underneath trees.

3.3 Climate Change

We’re tired of hearing of climate change and all the disasters that it causes. One of our biggest goals for this presidency will be to solve climate change once and for all.

3.4 Lake McMaster

What kind of environmentalists would we be without taking care of our campus wet spaces? No, not the sweat puddles in the DBAC locker rooms, the real lakes! Lake McMaster is an iconic landmark that has been destroyed by aggressive drainage schemes. We propose everyone starts throwing their chewed gum down the drain until it clogs up and the lake returns in the spring.

4 – Campus

4.1 Library Access

It is notoriously difficult to travel from JHE to Thode library, especially at night when ABB closes and locks its doors. We propose to solve this problem by relocating ABB to the nearby empty space of parking lot I. The centre for microscopy can be left in place as students will have no trouble walking around it, since it is underground. Not moving the microscopy centre is estimated to save billions of dollars from the cost of this relocation.

4.2 That One Tree Nobody Likes

You all know the tree, scrubby looking twig of a thing near Togo Salmon Hall. We want to replace it with a much better tree.

4.3 Campus Monorail

Some might say that MUSC and Mills library are right next to one another. We say build a monorail to connect the two. The monorail car will probably stretch the entire gap and not need to move at all, saving thousands in electricity costs per year.

4.4 Arts Quad

Long gone are the days of inter-continental exploration. The final frontiers are space, the deep sea, and the arts quad. We propose choosing to map the arts quad, because it is much closer to McMaster than either the deep sea or space. Of primary importance during this exploration will be ensuring that we do not leave a legacy of colonialism in the new lands we uncover.

4.5 Cootes Paradise

While we can’t actually change the name of Cootes Paradise, we can force students to call it by a different name. We propose that students will henceforth refer to the forested conservation area adjacent to campus as “Gangsta’s Paradise” instead, as a tribute to modern music. We are all about getting with the times here.

Hope you’re proud of yourself, you just read the whole thing.

Your Ideas

A good prezidante is a listen-y prezidante. That’s why we’ve resolved to listen to your ideas. Give suggestions in the box below and they’ll be sent straight to us, so that we can ignore most of them. Check back later and see if your suggestion has been added to the platform. We appreciate you!

The Team

All this would never be possible without a dedicated team of hardworking chumps I can trick into doing everything for me.

Devin Jhaveri – Campaign Manager

Yovana Racic – Admiral of Student Life

Curtis Graham – Manager of Self Relations

Keith Onderin – Water Boy

Raquel Munoz – Communications Officer

Tetris

You can’t play tetris on my website, but you can play it elsewhere:

https://www.freetetris.org/game.php